The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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