had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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