I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
