No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
