do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
