laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
