I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
