I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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