One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
