I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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