Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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