I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
