I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
