you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
