I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
