Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
