Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
