How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
