I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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