Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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