a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
