I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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