Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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