so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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