I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
