i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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