If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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