i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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