I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
