Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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