After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
