I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
