my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
