don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
