maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
