Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
