I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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