if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
