He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
