i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
