Got a toothbrush?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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