If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
