this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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