today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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