Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
