I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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