my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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