I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
