So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
