No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
