Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
