Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
