The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
